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It's been an emotional weekend. I guess I'm talking to my self, trying to calmly understand what I really believe about death and dying. Trying to prepare myself for the loss of Juergens mom. She has told me before her desires. I don't think she would want to be confined to her bed, unable to care for herself. I think about what she wants...not what I want. But what I want is not to lose her...and the emotions often over take the logic. I find myself crying. I am trying to be brave...but I'm not so brave. The reality is she is getting worse. The tumors have grown very large. She can no longer walk.I'm grateful she can still think and talk, but for how long?
The kids begin school tomorrow. Juergen has gone with the boys to show them their new schools. Philip must go to the "special" school for kids with learning problems. I tried so hard to keep him in the normal school system. I would home school him if I was allowed to. My hands are tied. I've prayed allot about this. I am trusting God closed every door for a reason. I have to believe this is the way God has for Philip. I realize he is afraid...and so am I. I just pray God plants him in the perfect environment for Philip. That he will grow strong in this new school. It is the only option left to us, and I have to believe it is Gods will.

Comments

Jill W said…
Peace be with you and your family, Amy. I know the feelings you are having. We went thru the same things when my Nana was ill. It is so hard to see someone you love so much not be able to make their body work like their mind. My Nana told all of us that she was ready to go to heaven. She said her body was just worn out and if her body could not keep up with her mind, she was ready. She was 95 years young and I count my blessings that my boys were able to spend time with her and get to know her. We miss her everyday. Our prayers are with you and your family. We will pray for God's will for Waltrud.
3:40 AM
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