Last night Juergen and I were talking about his mom. Jessica was in the room but we did not realize she was listening to us. All of a sudden she sits up and begins to cry. I think she realized her dearly loved Oma was dying. She would not receive comfort. I had to let her go cry for awhile, and then hold her for an hour before she could fall asleep.
This morning I was looking at the candles on the table. I looked also at the cute paper chains the kids made yesterday, and the advent calendar I hung up for Juergen. It will be Sarah's first Christmas and I would like it to be special for her. It's hard. I do not feel like a festival of lights and joy. I want to put on sack cloth and rub my face with ashes. I remember when Jessica first got sick with autism. I wanted to sit on the sofa and cry all day. This began to affect Nicole. It really made her feel afraid. I had to be careful, and control my emotions around her. I had to cry only during the nap times. Then I found myself crying so much, I was lying in a puddle of my own tears. One thing that brings me comfort right now is the knowledge that you never feel loss for what you never had. Some people leave tiny foot prints in your life, Juergens mom will leave a very deep hole. It hurts because we were all very blessed. I thank God I have been so blessed.
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